Not Enough

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I really don’t feel my H affair had anything to do with me But I still can’t help but think “why wasn’t I enough?” If I had been enough he never would have did this. If I had been pretty enough, sexy enough, exciting enough, he wouldn’t have needed another woman no matter what was going on with him.

With all I did for him, it wasn’t enough. I really went out of my way to be a good wife and keep things interesting in our marriage in all the areas that I knew to but it still wasn’t enough. I don’t feel there’s much more I could have done but yet it wasn’t enough! So I don’t believe it was anything I did or didn’t do to push him away but at the same time I feel I wasn’t enough?? I don’t even know how that makes sense 😳

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Picky

F9D354D3-14DD-4C50-82D0-69F8A05DC73ASo me and my H went shopping a couple of weeks ago. He wanted to purchase some new hats. We went to several places and he just couldn’t find anything he liked. Then he began to make several comments about him being picky. He went on to talk about how picky he was about his clothing, how he had such a hard time finding shoes, hats, jeans, shirts because he was so picky! He said it several times, “I’m just picky” ok now had he just said it once it probably wouldn’t have bothered me but when he kept on, I guess you can imagine where my thoughts went and I felt my blood begin to boil and I wanted to lash out and scream at him but I didn’t I just pushed it aside!

I wanted to scream at him “you can be SO PICKY about your clothes but you can’t be picky about where you stick your dick!!” I dont know why him saying that just broke my heart but it did, I wish these little dumb things didn’t trigger me so often.

Ugh!!! FML!

Wish I Could Forget

I need to post about something that I really struggle with about my H. I haven’t posted about it until now because it is so hard for me. I’m not sure I can even explain it all and it may become a long post.

My H was a Christian alcohol and drug counselor and ran several sober living houses where he usually had around 45 clients at a time. Now there is a lot to this job but the parts that hurt me the most is the group meetings he held where he supposedly was teaching them. He held four meetings a week where he talked/preached to them about living right, doing right from wrong, making the right choices and preaching to them about God!

He was very well known in our community, had a lot of respect and love. People looked up to him and admired him, they admired us, I helped him a lot with this calling and I worked a full time job too, I thought we were a team and doing this together. I sacrificed a lot with him doing this work, with the thinking that I was doing something for the greater good and helping others.

The things he would teach in these meetings is what tears my heart out. He would tell them not to be man whores, he would tell them not to Be whore mongers, he would tell tell them to walk like men of God that someone was always watching and what they did reflected on him and the houses, he would tell them to play the tape all the way through when they were thinking about making a decision to make sure it was a good decision especially if it was about drinking or using, he would tell them if one of them knew their roommate was doing something wrong and they didn’t let my H know that they were just as guilty and they would be kicked out too for not telling it, he would preach to them about God and doing the right things, he would tell them to pray, he would tell them to be honest not to lie about anything and being caught in a lie was grounds for being kicked out in the street! Oh gosh, there are so many things he would preach about, I could go on and on but you get the gist of it!

Everything he would tell them not to do, it turns out he was doing hisself. He wasn’t even following his own rules. He wasn’t practicing what he preached. He wasn’t leading by example although he seemed to be because he had us all fooled, I wasn’t the only one shocked and hurt when the truth came out about him.

Not to long ago I ran into someone who had been here in one of the houses when the affair came to light. He ask me how I was doing? And I told him I was still struggling but I was ok and literally have to live one day at a time! He said he didn’t know how I was doing it that he can’t imagine what I have been through because he still thinks about what my H did too. He said it still comes to mind a lot and it turns his stomach every time, that he can’t believe what a hypocrite and fraud he turned out to be. Which I was actually glad to hear because so many other people have acted like it was no big deal and weather I left or stayed I should just get over it. Most people don’t seem to get it! Which I think is part of my slow healing process too, I haven’t had much understanding or support through this, most people seem to think it’s not that big of a deal and I should have gotten over it from day one. Ugh!!!

I have also talked to a few of the guys he was helping who told me what he did really confused them. They said they were having a hard enough time believing in God and then he betrayed everyone like that and it messed them up because he was supposed to be a man of God and if that’s how men of God act they want no part of it. They also said it gave them huge trust issues because they trusted him, they believed him and he was a fake.

Of course he no longer does this for a living and the sad part is that in the beginning he didn’t even realize he shouldn’t be teaching others anymore that he just made some awful mistakes and he could still help and teach others, that he could especially teach others what not to do – which that part is definitely true. He finally understood tho that he needed to work on himself and had no business helping others anymore.

So that is just a part of it that I needed to get off my chest, it has been on my mind a lot lately and I know it helps to get it out.
It still bothers me too when I think of her sitting in those meetings knowing what they were doing was so against everything he was preaching – so both of them could just pretend they were godly people and yet doing so much wrong. Who the hell does that and how do you live with yourself? And they didn’t even act like it was bothering them at all.

Depression Sucks!

C93F714D-B60E-48FF-8E11-B47E50499ECCMy depression just seems to get worse and worse. Everyday I lay in bed for hours and have to convince myself to get out of bed to at least take a shower. Some days I can actually do it and be productive and some days I just pull the covers back up stay in bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.

I really think the trauma and stress from what has happened has caused something to break in me and make me physically sick. Sometimes I’m just so weak physically I think it’s more than the depression.

I keep trying to get up and go job hunting thinking that maybe going back to work will help but I can’t even pull myself together to do that. I wonder if I can’t even look for a job – how in the hell will I be able to work?

I did so much better with all this in the beginning. I think I must have been running on pure hate and anger. For over two years this shit didn’t get me down. Yes I was hurt and broken but at least I was still functioning. But once that anger turned to depression it has kicked my ass. I can’t get up! And that is not me, this is not me. I just keep the hope this will pass eventually.

So Many Thoughts

77296170-A99E-4F4C-8B67-4E36E1BCEAC3I do no understand what I am feeling lately? I have so many thoughts of what he did swirling around in my mind all the time. After all this time I still think about it everyday. Not a single day has gone by that I haven’t thought of it and most days I still think of it from the time I wake up until the time I fall asleep. With all these thoughts I haven’t even been able to write anything lately and I don’t understand that? Maybe I don’t know where to begin or I just can’t find the words to explain what I am thinking/feeling, well I really don’t know what I am thinking or feeling.

I will never understand how he could do this and I am just trying to accept that I will never understand it and I’m tired of thinking about it. I want the thoughts to go away, I want the nightmares to stop.

I do not understand what he seen in her or what attracted him to her and I never will. I do not understand how he could ruin his life for a woman like her. She is sitting in jail right now and will be for a while and that is exactly where she deserves to be, I hope she sits in there and thinks about what she has done and comes to realize all the damage she has caused but she won’t she doesn’t think she has done anything wrong.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Numb….

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I dont know what I am feeling lately. I am so sad, hurt and heartbroken but at the same time I just feel nothing! It’s like I have gone numb. I dont care about anyone or anything. I dont feel like going anywhere or doing anything. Things will never be the same again, I will never be the same again. I’m just numb right now, so numb.