Being Depressed and Bitter

depression-quote-hp-53-3-1I guess I have turned into one of those bitter ol ladies everyone talks about lol…

My Hs affair has crippled me! He train wrecked our marriage and I walked away with a permanent mental disability. It would be the same as someone who was in a car wreck and left in a wheel chair or needing assistance to walk and/or perform daily functions.

Although my life is great and I have lots to be grateful for I have had to learn how to function in life all over again. Just the same as someone who has been in a horrible car crash and has to go through months of rehabilitation to learn to walk again but will never be able to walk again on their own, they will always need the assistance of a walker.

I have had to learn to walk in life again.  It has not been easy at all.  I still need assistance.

For the most part I am ok but I will never be the same again. Learning to live again with constant pain is a struggle but I am doing it.

It just hurts my heart that so many judge. If I had been in an actual car crash and left disabled no one would question how I have to struggle each day to get up out of bed and get a shower to start my day. My pain and struggle is invisible to the human eye that no one can see or feel.

But because it is a mental injury and crippling heartbreak there is a complete judgement of just get over it all ready!

 

Around Town

A few days after DDay I had a friend/acquaintance tell me the OW had ask her “what do you know about BB?” This friend said at that moment she knew that Was weird and she thought to her self ‘why is she asking me this, she knows her better than I do’ She answered the OW with “My son loves her and that’s all I need to know” then she said to me “I should have known right then she was up to something because I knew it wasn’t right that she ask me that”

See this lady wasn’t part of our circle she is the mother of my sons closest friend, she would come to my house to pick up or drop off friend and of course the OW would be there most times. I would very much consider this woman a friend we just didn’t hang out. But she was there for me as soon as she found out about the affair!

So the point I’m trying to make is – if the OW ask her about me, I guarantee she was asking others about me. I bet she was going around town asking anyone she ran into that knew of me questions. I have no idea why but there could be many reasons. I believe she was hoping to hear some dirt on me so she wouldn’t feel so bad about what she was doing because then she could use that to justify her behaviors.

She thought that she could find some shit on me like I did her! See if you go to her hometown and ask around about her – you get some horror stories, she’s not a good person, she has done a lot of wrong and has a lot of skeletons in her closet. I found out so much about her and most of it was unbelievable and SHOCKING!

If she was supposed to be my friend why in the hell was she going around asking about me? That right there just shows she was plotting and planning the whole time. Its not like my H and her were just in the wrong place at the wrong time and some flirty attraction happened that just went too far – NOPE… she knew exactly what she was doing and she set out to have an affair with my H.

She was projecting her shit on me. She knew she was being fake and living a lie and hiding so many things about herself. She was hoping I was living like that too! Well I’m not a fake ass, lying, hypocritical home wrecker…I’m sure she was very disappointed to find out I was living an authentic life!

So Much Trauma

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I have had past trauma in my life that I am sure is not helping my healing process.

My mother got pregnant with me at a very young age and my father ran like hell when he found out and I don’t know very much about the man and don’t care. His family also knew about me and not one of them seemed to care either. None of them ever checked on me or had anything to do with me in anyway. Now if one of my sons had abandoned a child I would still want to be a grandmother and get to know the child and make sure they were okay.

Now luckily my mother found an awesome babysitter for me at only a few weeks of age so that she could go back to work! This couple couldn’t have children of their own and they became really attached to me very quickly. My mother ended up pretty much just leaving me there ALLL THE TIME I remember being there all weekend every weekend for many years plus of course during the week when my mom worked. I loved being there and had soooo much fun and I was loved so much!!!

Then when I was 6yrs old my mother came to get me one day and she was with a man! I never got to go back to the home I knew ever again! I never got to see them again. NOW this traumatized me! I remember asking over and over to go see them. I cried myself to sleep every night for a very long time. I MISSED THEM SO MUCH!!!  When I was a teenager and old enough to go look for them I did but it was too late they both had passed away. So yea that sucked!

Now the man my mom went on to marry was not the best of men he drank a lot and was in a bad mood most of the time. It was really hard being around him at times but in my teenage years he stopped drinking and made changes and started treating everyone better. So things got a lot better in the family from then on.

During my childhood years I was also sexually molested by a family member until I finally decided to tell. Well, that didn’t go over well no one believed me and I was made to go back and say that I lied about it. Im not going to get into all that it would take too long for me to try to explain it all. but that really messed me up because no one helped me…not my aunt I was close too, not my grandmother, my mother, not anyone! I was just left alone to deal with it and we all just acted like it never happened. Now in my late teens, early 20s I got lots of help and therapy for this and I went on to process it, deal with it and went on to live a good life – I thought I was Ok!

I also had a high school boyfriend who was the sweetest thing and we would have so much fun together at least for a while until he became very abusive! it stared with verbal abuse then lead to pushing and shoving until it escalated to full on blows with his fist to my head. It took me a while to get out of that relationship because he was a stalker and wouldn’t leave me alone! Of course I didn’t tell anyone I dint think anyone would believe me.

There was also another situation in my life that was pretty traumatizing but I just don’t want to put that out in the world!

So I have suffered my share of abuse! I remember telling my husband when I found out about his affair that “This hurts so bad but I should be use to pain by now”

Lately I have been wondering if I have just been knocked down too many times! I have been knocked down so much and got back up every time but this time…this time I haven’t been able to get back up! I think it has been the final blow!

The Anger

imagesFor the most part my anger is gone! (it still visits from time to time) The anger has turned to a deep sadness that I cannot escape! This sadness has been lingering for a long time now. I actually liked the anger better, I was more productive when I was angry lol…but even more I just wish I could move past this sadness.

What I have come to realize is the anger that I do still experience every now and then is at myself! When I have a bad day from a trigger or intrusive thought if I get angry I start questioning myself ‘why didn’t I see it sooner’ ‘why didn’t I ask more questions’ ‘why didn’t I pay more attention’ ‘why didn’t I trust my gut more’!!!

I look back now and remember times I caught him in some stupid lie and wonder why I didn’t confront him or at least ask questions.

But instead what did I do? I questioned and doubted myself! Just for an example lets say he just told me that ‘he went to Wal mart but he actually went to the gas station’ so I would be standing there scratching my head wondering why he would tell such a stupid lie? Then I would begin telling myself that I must have misunderstood him, or that he just misspoke because he had been to Walmart earlier that day. At the time it never dawned on me that he was a liar, In fact I thought he was as honest as they come so if I did catch him in a lie – OF COURSE there was something wrong with me, NO he didn’t just lie I’m just hearing things!

There were times he was going to run down to the corner gas station just a few blocks away to get a pack of cigarettes and he would be gone SO LONG…why did I never question that??? I just assumed he must have ran into an old friend and got to talking?? Now I feel like he was up to no good our entire relationship! He had to be!

I never questioned him…I trusted him!

Now whenever I am reminded of things like this I do still get angry at times, other times it just sets me deeper in the sadness but when the anger does come… it is at myself! Why didn’t I see him for what he was instead of questioning myself and making myself something I wasn’t!  DAMN IT!

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! But his truth made my life a LIE!

So now he is free and I can see how he has a peace about him now, so the truth did set him free! But now my life has turned out to be a lie, HOW am I to be set free????

Maybe I am still more angry than I realized because I just got very angry writing this!

Faith

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Before DDay I had such Faith! I prayed every morning, every night, and usually several times through out the day, read the Bible daily, attended bible studies and church. My prayers usually just consisted of me thanking God for all I had because I was truly grateful for everything I had and I was so happy with my life! (And of course lots of prayers for others when I knew they were struggling.)

Me being thankful for what I had was probably why I was happy and enjoyed life! I was so content with my life and I’m sure that is a reason I beat myself up now….I can’t believe I am so unhappy and depressed.

Now my faith and beliefs have drastically changed! Im not sure what I believe in any more or if I even believe anymore. I haven’t been to church, prayed or read my bible in a long time!

Im not sure I can even begin to explain it.

I know I no longer believe ‘a sin is a sin’ (but in all honesty I always struggled with this one) BUT no one is ever going to try to convince me again that all sin is the same! You mean to tell me that stealing a piece of bubble gum is the same as murdering someone!? Yea OOKAYY!

I no longer believe in once saved, always saved! Dennis Rader and Jim Jones were saved and believed in Jesus! I bet they will not be in heaven.

Well, I could go on and on, but my point is Im loosing faith and I have no idea what I believe anymore.  I guess I need to do some research and find a church that believes the same way I do and get back in church before I loose my faith all together. My husbands cheating just made me see everything in a different light, I have different outlook on everything!

 

Get Your Own Man!

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I was flipping through the TV channels the other day and a movie with Channing was playing! OH MY! I have had the biggest crush on him!

I was triggered because it reminded me of something I hadn’t thought of through all this!

When me and the skank were friends it didn’t take long for her to realize I had this huge crush on Channing…I went out of my way to watch any of his movies and I would mention how cute he was and that he was my celebrity crush!

Well it wasn’t long after she learned of my crush that I noticed she was posting pictures and memes of him with flirty comments about him on her facebook page!!!! WTF!!!

When I seen this I thought it was strange and thought to myself -‘Now I have never heard her mention him before, what is this all of a sudden?’

DAMN SKANK! Can’t even get her own crush, she has to steal mine! Now I don’t care what anyone says there is something to this! and it has something to do with me! She wanted my H, she developed the same celebrity crush as me??? YEAH Skank is jelly and wants to be me and wanted my life!

Maybe one of these days I will stop having all these memories, flashbacks and/or triggers so I can forget all this shit, stop being reminded of it and thinking of it!

Holidays are coming up!

The Holiday season is upon us and it is a huge trigger for me….this is the time of year my H was having an affair…he says the sexual stuff started around thanksgiving and there had been weeks of texting and flirting before that!

So he starts an affair at the time of year when we reflect on what we have and what we are grateful for, a time of year that is especially about being with family and all of our traditions. So through all of the holidays he was cheating on and lying to his family, friends and neighbors….Halloween, thanksgiving, his birthday, my birthday, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day! 😡😡😡

This time of year is still so hard for me…it is much worse than any DDAY I have went through….the period that he was having the affair is what bothers me! It has gotten a little easier each year but it is still excruciating!

I woke up this morning thinking that I needed to plan our yearly Christmas shopping trip to the mountains and it just set me off something horrible this time! I haven’t had a break down this bad in a while.

Then my mind started swirling with thoughts! I remembered how the year he was having his affair and we went away to a beautiful, romantic B&B on a long weekend trip for my birthday! We had a beautiful room, with rose petals, chocolate covered strawberries and apple cider when we arrived(I didn’t drink back then)…just beautiful and we had a great fun filled weekend BUT the entire time he was texting her behind my back! She was sending him nude videos and pictures of herself? WHY? WHY? Did her dumb ass not realize he would then be having sex with me! Who would do that? Maybe she was trying to keep his thoughts on her but it doesn’t matter he was with me and she knew it was for a romantic weekend! Who the hell would want to be in a relationship like that…knowing your boyfriend was off with his wife having fun and lots of sex! It’s SICK!

I will never understand anyone’s thinking on an affair…there is no way I would be ok having sex with my boyfriend and being a secret….then knowing he was going home to his wife and sleeping in the same bed with her and yes having sex! I will never understand it and I guess that’s a good thing!