I have had past trauma in my life that I am sure is not helping my healing process.
My mother got pregnant with me at a very young age and my father ran like hell when he found out and I don’t know very much about the man and don’t care. His family also knew about me and not one of them seemed to care either. None of them ever checked on me or had anything to do with me in anyway. Now if one of my sons had abandoned a child I would still want to be a grandmother and get to know the child and make sure they were okay.
Now luckily my mother found an awesome babysitter for me at only a few weeks of age so that she could go back to work! This couple couldn’t have children of their own and they became really attached to me very quickly. My mother ended up pretty much just leaving me there ALLL THE TIME I remember being there all weekend every weekend for many years plus of course during the week when my mom worked. I loved being there and had soooo much fun and I was loved so much!!!
Then when I was 6yrs old my mother came to get me one day and she was with a man! I never got to go back to the home I knew ever again! I never got to see them again. NOW this traumatized me! I remember asking over and over to go see them. I cried myself to sleep every night for a very long time. I MISSED THEM SO MUCH!!! When I was a teenager and old enough to go look for them I did but it was too late they both had passed away. So yea that sucked!
Now the man my mom went on to marry was not the best of men he drank a lot and was in a bad mood most of the time. It was really hard being around him at times but in my teenage years he stopped drinking and made changes and started treating everyone better. So things got a lot better in the family from then on.
During my childhood years I was also sexually molested by a family member until I finally decided to tell. Well, that didn’t go over well no one believed me and I was made to go back and say that I lied about it. Im not going to get into all that it would take too long for me to try to explain it all. but that really messed me up because no one helped me…not my aunt I was close too, not my grandmother, my mother, not anyone! I was just left alone to deal with it and we all just acted like it never happened. Now in my late teens, early 20s I got lots of help and therapy for this and I went on to process it, deal with it and went on to live a good life – I thought I was Ok!
I also had a high school boyfriend who was the sweetest thing and we would have so much fun together at least for a while until he became very abusive! it stared with verbal abuse then lead to pushing and shoving until it escalated to full on blows with his fist to my head. It took me a while to get out of that relationship because he was a stalker and wouldn’t leave me alone! Of course I didn’t tell anyone I dint think anyone would believe me.
There was also another situation in my life that was pretty traumatizing but I just don’t want to put that out in the world!
So I have suffered my share of abuse! I remember telling my husband when I found out about his affair that “This hurts so bad but I should be use to pain by now”
Lately I have been wondering if I have just been knocked down too many times! I have been knocked down so much and got back up every time but this time…this time I haven’t been able to get back up! I think it has been the final blow!