What he’s Doing

What He’s Doing Right

1. Gets my coffee ready to go for me every morning and if I’m awake before he leaves he makes it for me and brings me a cup
2. He ask me everyday how I’m doing/feeling
3. He ask me everyday if I need anything and gets whatever I ask for – he makes sure I have everything I need
4. Takes care of supper every night
5. Does the household shopping
6. Takes care of all the bills
7. Still apologizes often for the pain and damage he has caused
8. Thanks me often for still being here and giving him another chance
9. Opens my car door for me
10. Takes me out often
11. Listens to me every time I need to talk about the affair or my feelings and is very patient with me
12. Our phones are linked so I can see his communications and know where he is at all times
13. Takes me on 3-4 vacations a year
14. He gave me a very nice post-nup
15. He bought all new furniture and helped me redecorate the house in hopes of changing it to help my triggers
16. I got a new car – an infinity and its awesome
17. He bought us new wedding rings
18. He try’s so hard to make me laugh
19. He calls to let me know if he he’s running behind
20. He works hard
21. He is working hard to make it up to our children
22. He is wonderful with the grand babies
23. He wants to be a better man
24. He always makes me the priority above everyone and everything else
25. He always takes out the garbage
26. He has always made sure special occasions, holidays and birthdays are special for us all
27. He has never blamed me for his affair
28. He is trying to fix what he broke
29. He helps out and does a lot around the house
30. I know there is more I just cant think of it all right now, he has made many changes and tries so hard. And he shows it with his actions its not words

These things are reasons I stay. Yet I still have so many days where I wonder to myself why I’m still here and question why I dont leave.

E3829F7D-9270-4E00-A7EF-25B0E36BCDAD

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What I’ve Lost

F278F7CB-68EF-4564-A9E2-DFA9563E74B21. I’ve lost my fairytale love story

2. I’ve lost myself

3. I’ve lost my mind

4. I’ve lost my home

5. I’ve lost trust in anyone

6. I’ve lost hope

7. I’ve lost faith

8. I’ve lost friends

9. I’ve lost my beliefs

10. I’ve lost empathy

11. I’ve lost motivation

12. I’ve lost confidence

13. I’ve lost self esteem

14. I’ve lost my hair

15. I’ve lost sleep

16. I’ve lost security

17. I’ve lost traditions

18. I’ve lost joy

19. I’ve lost social skills

20. I’ve lost years

I have lost so much, not much left to loose. I can only gain at this point.

What He Told Me

Since I have mentioned several times how I feel my H hasn’t told me everything I thought I would try to share what he has told me.

First off I hadn’t worked in over a year when their affair started but that spring before their affair I had started going to my dads mechanic shop everyday to help out because he was being treated for cancer and needed help.
Second, my hubby had started giving the skanks pretend husband a ride to work every morning a few months before their affair started and he had to be to work early – like around 5:30 I think. They were close friends too!
Third, I stoped going to my dads shop sometime in January which was Around the same time in Jan she got a job that lasted until the first of May when she got laid off. Their affair had started the previous November around thanksgiving and lasted until June. What I didn’t know at this time was he was giving her a ride to work each morning. He would leave here to give her pretend husband a ride to work each morning, my H would drop him off then go back and get her and that was when they would have their time together and I never even knew he was taking her to work.
Oh and you have to remember we were a close nit neighborhood…we dont lock our doors around here and the few that do, the rest of us know where the spare key is kept so thats how they used neighbors homes.

Ok so that should set the scene some so I can try to tell this mess!
He said she had started flirting with him and sending him flirty text messages and nude pictures several weeks before anything happened. He said at first he told her he was married but flattered and they didn’t need to go there but she just kept doing it anyway so he just ignored her until he didn’t because he liked the attention and started flirting back and thats all he ever meant for it to be but it just got out of hand when she came to my house morning. She walked in the house and he was in our bedroom, they started fooling around on my bed and he tried and tried to have sex with her but he couldn’t get it up so nothing happened. So that was the first time.
The next time was a few weeks later at her house. He had taken her H to work then went back to her house walked in her bedroom and stood beside her bed, she then pulled his pants down and proceeded to suck on him which worked this time so it happened. He also said they ended up doing it 2 more times at her house at some point in all this.
He said one time they used an empty house in the neighborhood to have sex.
He said one time they used a neighbors house when that neighbor was out of town.
He said one morning on their way to taking her to work he took her to his mothers which was just a few minutes past where she worked.
He also took her to his mothers one afternoon when he picked her up from work…his parents were out of town at those times.
He took her to a job site twice (which he was only doing repair jobs on the side at that time) so they had sex twice there.
They used another neighbors house one morning while those neighbors were at work.
He said there were a couple of times he took a ride down the back roads out past where she worked so she could suck him off. He took me and showed me this route.
He says they never had sex in my house, that they never had sex in our vehicles.
He said there were a few more times they tried but he couldn’t perform, he didn’t tell me where they were and I didn’t ask.
He says their text messages were mostly just “hey how are you” “what are you doing” he says there wasn’t much sex talk at all, he says the inappropriate stuff was just mostly here sending naked pics or videos of her playing with herself and he would respond back with thats hot. This is the main part I find hard to believe. I seen the phone records and there were tons of text messages almost daily so I believe they talked about much more than how their days were going?
He says he never took her anywhere, he never bought her anything, he never spent anytime with her other than the time it took them to have sex. He says he didn’t have to do anything with her or for her, that she was easy. I find this hard to believe too. There is no way I would let a man use me like that and not spend no time with me or give me anything. Although I know he didn’t spend much time with her because he was always home, he was working from home at that time.
He said he only told her he loved her once and that he text it maybe twice.
So that is pretty much what he told me i left out a little here and there trying to keep it simple and short but i just feel there is more to it than this but still this should be enough for me to process it – but I CAN’T!!! I feel I will feel a peace when I know he has told me everything.

 

Confused as Usual

2142E51B-BBD0-4465-8D74-22AAF09BE35BI have been sitting here this morning thinking too much. This past year I have been trying to figure out why I’m so stuck in this infidelity hell. If I can figure that out I can work on it and move on. What I believe and keep going back to is – I just don’t think he has been completely honest or told me everything. Which I know I have posted about before so I really believe that’s where I’m at. So what do I do with that? If he hasn’t told me by now he isn’t going to tell me. I keep trying to tell myself that at this point and after all this time it doesn’t matter, that it’s on him if he can’t tell the truth. But how do I ever get past it and let it go when I still don’t feel hes been honest. It really shouldn’t matter now but I continue to have an uneasy feeling in my get. I can’t find peace. I still think about it to often. If there is something else he needs to tell me I know that if he would just confess it, it would help.

How can I move forward when it doesn’t feel like I have all the puzzle pieces? I have told him I feel this way a few times and he tells me that he has told me everything and he swears there is nothing else to tell. So I just keep trying to move forward but it’s not working I’m stuck and I can’t get unstuck and I don’t know what else to do. Maybe I should schedule a lie detector test lol…..🤣🤣🤣

Martin Luther King Day

mlk inception.jpegToday is MLK Day and I just found out this morning that he was an adulterer! Damn do all freaking men cheat? I thought this was supposed to be a good Godly man with morals! Well I’m sure God doesn’t like adultery, God hates divorce but yet he allows it when adultery has been committed so that tells me he hates adultery even more. My word I am so ready to give up, this world is full of hypocrites! Hard to find hope anymore.