The Trauma is Real!

Advertisements

It Is A Big Deal

c6ac4032-c4f1-42f8-870d-3a48c0d45b9c

Sometime after dday I was having a conversation with one of my neighbors and they started telling me how they could understand how I was suffering and it would take a long time to get over it, IF I ever do.

They told me their step dad had cheated on their mom and it completely destroyed her. She became severely depressed and never left the house, she got drunk or high everyday. She became very, very sick and in a matter of years she was dead! 

This really took me back, I didn’t even know what to say. I mean what do you say to something like that? 

Well a few weeks later they paid me another visit and started talking about their situation with their mother and told me the step father had given their mother Aids from the cheating! Damn, that is messed up! It messed up a lot of people. This individual was a late teen at the time so was their sibling, they ended up in a foster home for a few years and their lives haven’t been real good. All for some strange. 

So if anyone thinks cheating is no big deal they are sadly mistaken, cheating is a very big deal, this could have happened to any one of us! 

To My Husband

3D241E8A-847F-4BC7-994B-84B5E2ED5D66

Sometimes I don’t know if you truly understand what your affair has done to me.

I no longer trust you.

I no longer trust anyone.

I’m afraid of people now.

I no longer believe in Love at first sight.

I no longer believe in Love.

I no longer believe in fairytales.

I no longer believe I’m special to you.

You are no longer special to me.

I have lost my faith.

It will be very hard to let another woman into my life, if ever.

I no longer see good in people.

I will never put anyone above myself again and I don’t care if that makes me selfish.

I feel less than.

I’m full of fear.

I don’t care about anything anymore.

I daydream of running far away almost everyday.

I’m so insecure. 

Everyday I wonder what is wrong with me.

I’m weak and pathetic now.

I’m miserably depressed 

I’m full of anxiety 

I’m so ashamed that I’m married to you when I use to be so proud of you.

I was so wrong about so many things in life, that I am now so lost and confused that I don’t understand anything and I don’t know what’s real.

I do not see how I will find joy again, something in me is broken.

My heart breaks all over again each and every day when I Remember that you couldn’t stop and think of me for 2 seconds, I wasn’t even worth the 2 seconds it would have took to say no. You didn’t care that you were destroying me and I will never understand that, I will never understand how you could tear my heart and soul apart like this.

I have not had one day that has gone by without me thinking of your affair it haunts me everyday! 

I have to sleep with the light on!

I hate that you told HER you were sorry, what the hell are you sorry for! She knew exactly what she was getting into, I don’t understand why you apologized to her. 

I wish I had the courage to walk away and never look back.

One of These Days!

b639ab52-b7e9-43ff-9a15-751873085b88

I get up each morning and have SEVERAL cups of coffee, meditate, read daily meditations, write, or blog. I do my best to clear my mind and start my day. This seldom works so maybe I need to try something else? But what? This sounds like it would be the best option to start a day? Maybe I need to add exercise, I don’t know. Some days I can get up and make the best I can of the day, other days I just lay back down and watch tv. 

I can’t wait for the day when I don’t think about my H’s affair. I can’t wait till I wake up one day and realize I had an entire day that I went without thinking of it. I know that day will come eventually because so many others have experienced it, so I know it’s possible 🙂

Like I mentioned not too long ago, I have been thinking of the OW a lot this past year. I want to get revenge on her. I know this is not healthy and I need to stop it! But I’m just being honest, that’s where I’m at right now! I want her to pay for how she betrayed me. 

It’s so hard to not think of her, everywhere I go reminds me of her because she went everywhere with me, so everywhere I go I’m reminded. I can’t go to the gas station, the grocery store, my favorite restaurant, shopping….I can’t go anywhere that she hasn’t went with me! So how do I stop thinking of her when I. AM. CONSTANTLY. REMINDED. 

One of these day! One of these days I will get my life back, one of these days I will no longer think of her, one of these days, one day at a time! 

So Much To Say

December was so busy, so much has happened, so much I need to get out and I don’t know where to begin.

So I think I will begin with our week long trip to the mountains. It was a good, relaxing trip but something was really off. It was different from all our other vacations and I have been trying to justify it for the better but I’m not sure it was. We both slept a lot which is no big deal, that’s what vacation is for right? To rest? And in all reality, we both needed the rest, I haven’t slept much since DDay and before the trip he was busy for a few weeks with long hard days getting everything in order to be able to take off for the week so we were tired and needed to sleep. But something was really different this time, we slept in everyday, had our coffee then headed out for the day. We would find something to keep us busy for a few hours, eat an early dinner, which we ate Good everyday 🙂 then head back to the cabin And just watch tv and fall asleep.  There were a couple of nights we got back out to ride around and look at all the beautiful Christmas lights. 

But normally we are out and about all day exploring, having fun, get back to the cabin later in the evening, play pool, get in the hot tub, fool around and get in the bed late and need to sleep in. We didn’t even get in the hot tub all week! I’m afraid we are getting back in to routine or boredom but even before DDay we lived it up on vacation. So something was wrong. I just can’t put my finger on it. 

We did have a few really good days! The day we arrived was a beautiful day, blue sky’s and the sun shining, 70degrees , we made good time and got there at 3 and still had plenty of time in the day! We got to our cabin, put our bags away and checked everything out, such a beautiful cabin with an awesome view and I didn’t  even get a picture! Then we went in to town to my favorite pizza place and ate pizza on the patio and we were the only ones there! In December eating outside! It was a nice date night. Then we went shopping, I wanted to get a new pair of black boots because mine had tore up, oh the hubby had gave me several hundred dollars to spend for my birthday while I was on vacation so I got to shop for a couple of days 🙂 anyway, we had a good evening, got back to cabin and relaxed 😎 

The next day he took me to all the Christmas stores so I could shop for some new white ornaments and I found a lot of unique pretty stuff. I got a beautiful pair of white glitter angel wings about 6” long and they are just beautiful, I placed them up towards the top of the tree and they look so pretty! 

A couple of days we just got out and started driving to see if we could find the back roads in this tourist town and WE DID! (After all these years!) So now when we go in the busier season it will be so much easier to get around! So actually that was exciting for us lol….because we have gotten stuck in traffic a few times and it really sucked but that won’t ever happen again because we found several alternative routes! 

I have got to rambling, I was wanting to make this post about how something felt off about vacation and I don’t think I made that clear, I don’t guess I can explain it, normally there’s more excitement and intimacy than there was, it just wasn’t there this time, I don’t know what it was?? The weather did get much colder after the 2nd day there,  not as much to do as when we are there in the warmer months, things close earlier, it gets dark earlier, and it was just like neither of us knew what we wanted to do, we just weren’t that in to it, so I honestly don’t know but I was so disappointed, I was hoping for something more, hoping for a miracle I guess or at least a spark – this just hadn’t  been a good year for my emotions and the aftermath of his affair! I was hoping a romantic week alone in the mountains at Christmas time would help! I guess I don’t want to point the finger at him, but he just didn’t seem into it, he seemed tired and distant and didn’t care what we did, he was just along for the ride and that’s not what I’m looking for! 

The pictures I have attached are a view from one of our scenic drives 

I apologize

I just wrote a post apologizing for my behavior when I had a nervous breakdown and it didn’t post. So if it decides to show up and this is seen I apologize for the double post! I apologize if I worried anyone, that was not my intention, I had a bad trigger and freaked out and decided to take a break from infidelity which hasn’t helped. I love you all and appreciate/ need the support, I miss you all and hope you had A great Christmas!