The Guilt

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I often read posts, comments and stories of betrayed spouses who’s cheating spouse has been so mean to them…before, during and after the affair. My H has never been mean to me. The last few months of the affair he did become somewhat distant, quite and a little moody but not mean. After the affair came out, he did have a hard time talking about it and lied and denied, making me feel crazy and even telling me at least on one occasion that I was crazy! And yes that shit is mentally abusive and I knew he was lying and it hurt but he wasn’t mean about it…he didn’t yell and cuss at me.

He has never once told me to get over it or let it go, although I do feel at times he thinks and feels this way but he has never said it or threw it up in my face and I don’t blame him for feeling that way – I feel that way myself ALOT! I wish I could just get over it! 

He is really good to me and always has been, he does the sweetest things for me all the time! 

When I read a story about a faithful spouse still in love with their WS and wants their marriage to work so bad and would be grateful to have a H like mine who is really trying to fix what they broke it makes me feel guilty because It’s so hard for me to be grateful for what my H is doing. I am constantly having to remind myself  to look at what he’s doing now, stop looking at what he did! 

I could look at it that I’m fortunate to have a husband that is remorseful for his affair and is doing everything he can to make it right.

Or I can look at it that there are many husbands out there who have been faithful and didn’t cheat in the first place, there are wives who don’t have to deal with this shit! 

Sometimes perspective sucks! 

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The Memories Continue to Attack

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I don’t understand why I continue to have all these random memories out of no where! I can be doing ok and just going along about my day and then BOOM out of no where comes a haunting memory! The other day I was having an ok day, I was out shopping for some new clothes, and out of no where I remembered something, no trigger or anything, it just jumped in my head! A memory of something she said one day, during the end of their affair. What came to me was: 

So, one morning I got up to start my day with my normal routine – a few cups of coffee, a few chores around the house, showered then I headed out the front door to sit outside for a bit And of course there she was sitting in my front yard and I had no idea she was even there! This was becoming a regular incident, every time I turned around there she was and I was becoming suspicious at this point! As I walked out on my front porch she must have noticed the confused look on my face and she ask “are you ok?” And I replied “yes, I’m fine God has got ME!” She then squirmed around in her seat and said “ he’s got me too” and had a big smile on her face – OMG! I wanted to rip into her right then! How in the hell does God have you when you are committing adultery, lying to everyone and betraying me and your family! I didn’t say a word tho, I noticed one of my close friends and neighbors was sitting on their porch so I just walked down to their house and left that whore sitting in my yard! 

So I have been thinking about this memory for days! Why do I continue to have these reminders of their affair? Why do I continue to Remember these things? Why do I have no control over these continued fucked up thoughts? I just want to forget them! I want them to stop coming into my head! I’m tired of them attacking me all the time! Sometimes I can process through them quickly and move on and at other times it takes me days or weeks to deal with and move on! How do I ever forget this damn affair and move on when I am continually reminded of it!!

I think maybe this memory is lingering because I can’t understand why she thought God had her at that time! Did she really believe that? God was having nothing to with that! And I’m sure he wanted to strike her down himself! Today I hate her and I want revenge! 

Lying Love Lust

Men make deposits; women make investments.

Unknown

Having your heart broken is the easy part; knowing when to move on is the challenge.

Unknown

Only those who trust, can find love and happiness. And only those who love, can be betrayed.

Unknown

The cruelest lies are often told in silence.

Robert Louis Stevenson

We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love—first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.

Albert Camus

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

Oscar Wilde

A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.

William Blake

It takes two people to create a successful relationship. It only takes one person to make it fail.

Truth About Deception

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

Saki

Betrayal can only happen if you love.

John Le Carre

The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.

Oscar Wilde

Never tell a loved one of an infidelity: you would be badly rewarded for your troubles. Although one dislikes being deceived, one likes even less to be undeceived.

Ninon De Lenclos

People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty.

Richard Needham

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Ambrose Bierce

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

Oscar Wilde

The truth that survives is simply the lie that is pleasantest to believe.

H. L. Mencken

One is easily fooled by that which one loves.

Jean Baptiste Poquelin Moliere

The person you marry, is not the person you divorce.

Unknown

Those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know love’s tragedies.

Oscar Wilde
I found a bunch of quotes tonight that made so much sense and I just enjoyed going through and reading them! 
But a few of them were crazy and just shows how some people think. 
I thought I might share and post some of them! 

Narcissist

Since DDay I have read a lot about Narcissist and my H just doesn’t seem to fit in that category BUT the OW does she has all the categoristics and traits of a narcissistic!

She was definitely prentending to be something she wasn’t, to fit in around here and get all of us to like her. She definitely had me fooled! I thought she had made changes in her life and was living right and doing better. All the while she was going behind everybody’s back and sleeping with Every man that she could, doing drugs, talking bad about me and others that had been good to her!

She did what she did just because she could! She seen we were happy and had a good life and she just wanted to tear it down! The jealousy was strong with that one!