Drinking vs Cutting

How the fuck is drinking harmful when people do it every day, all the time! I do it very rarely! So as honest and as raw as I try to be! I have someone comment to me that drinking is harmful, I rarely drink, and when I do it actually helps! To tell me that is harmful is pure shit! When I fight every day the urge to cut! Cutting is what is actually harmful! Watch yourself before you give fucked advice you may just be the reason someone just cut their leg open!!! Did you forget the pain, did you forget where you come from?

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Shining

2CE9CAE1-8447-4D6A-A175-0E11B270A23E  This weekend my H was reading to our 2.5 year old grandson, it was a book about animals, our grandson started naming the animals, he pointed at the duck and said that’s mama, pointed at the cat that’s papa, pointed at the sheep that’s daddy etc…. then he pointed at the sun and said that’s Nana! I am taking that as compliment and I got picked as the best lol…. maybe I haven’t lost my shine as much as I thought!

It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas!

I got my Christmas tree up this weekend and a few decorations, I’m so happy with how it turned out. I went with the color white, I was wanting the feeling of snow and it turned out so good. I was afraid using no color it would look dull or plain but it really looks good, the pictures don’t do it justice. I put a light coat of spray snow on the tree and I think that made a difference too. I have more snowflakes hanging from the ceiling that you can’t see in this picture, I think I’m going to hang a few more and get some white poinsettias to sit around and I’m going to leave it at that, I think anymore will be too much.

All of this stuff is new and not taineted in any way, she hasn’t touched any of it, I mean that literally, she had helped me put up and take down my Christmas ornaments several times so none of her funk is on my winter wonderland! 😍

 

Drinking 🍹

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Before DDay I never drank, the last time I had alcohol I was in my very early 20s right before I met my H and I hadn’t had a drink since, until DDay, I went out that night and had several beers!

After that  I started drinking pretty regularly. There was a spell where I drank almost everyday, at least a couple of drinks to knock the edge off. In the beginning it really helped, it actually worked! I could have a few mixed drinks or several beers…it took several beers for me to get a little tipsy. I think I have a high tolerance for alcohol even tho I don’t drink 😱

But I could get a little tipsy and I felt sooo much better! My mind would stop racing, I would stop thinking about the affair, I would be in a good mood and I could sleep at night! If I didn’t have a few drinks one night, I couldn’t sleep and all I would think about was his affair and what he had done to me and our family. So I drank almost every evening for a long time. I guess almost 3 years. I came to realize this was not healthy and I needed to stop drinking and depending on alcohol to feel better. So I started cutting way back and the last two years I have drank very little, just when I have had a REALLY bad day or I am just tired of all the bullshit and I want to be happy and in a better mood.

But lately I am thinking of starting drinking again 🤪 Hey whatever works right!!

From what I hear it’s no different than taking the anxiety medicines that the doctors prescribe for shit like this.

Happiness

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I hear a lot of talk about happiness and how you have to find it from within and no one can make you happy! I learned this long ago. Maybe that’s why I was so happy in life and in my marriage. Of course I had bad days, off days, but for the most part I was happy and content. I just lived in the moment and took things as they were whether it be good or bad. 

See when I was younger I had a job I became miserable in. The job itself was physically hard, with long hours, crazy schedule and sometimes just really stressful. One day I realized I needed to make some changes. I was thinking, praying, weighing things out. All of a sudden I had some kind of epiphany and everything became clear. It came to light that I didn’t need to let what was going on around me affect me, I just needed to be happy with what I had and make the best of it. I realized I needed to be a better person. I needed to be more caring, understanding and compassionate. I needed to accept people for who they were. It’s like all this just clicked in my heart and soul one day and I found a happiness and peace in life. Of course it wasn’t all butterflies and rainbows, I had days when I fell short but for the most part I finally understood so much in life. 

As time went on I continued to grow and learn and by the time DDay arrived, I had my shit together as a descent human being. Of course I would continue to grow and learn, we can always do and be better. So I have tried to see what I’m supposed to learn from this, and what I need to work on. What I realize is I didn’t need my H to cheat and cause me trauma  to realize I needed  to change, I realized that long ago and have always worked on myself and willing to look at myself. I didn’t have an empty hole in me. 

But now I’m confused? Why has what my H did taken away my happiness? I can’t seem to change my outlook this time! He has destroyed my heart and soul with all his lies, deceit, chaos and making me feel crazy and confused! I have lost my joy and can’t find it. How can I let someone like those two take away my happiness? 

Procrastination

I have a lot of stuff I really want to get done this month. A couple of weeks ago I had planned on starting my diet but the day I had planned to get out to get what I needed I started my period and said Hell To The No! There was no way I was going to try that I knew it would be too difficult. I thought I will just wait until the next week and then I had to watch my grandchildren all week, day and night all week! That exhausted me, so still didn’t start my diet or get much done!

So this week I need to get started and I’m still just hanging out at the house not doing much! I need to get off my ass, go to the store and start going to the tanning bed, I’m pale as a damn ghost! I have never had such issues with doing what needed to be done! I hate being this way, I have been trying to force myself to get out of the house all morning and I just haven’t been able to do it! I have done some laundry and gotten a shower, and my usual morning routine of coffee then meditating. But I haven’t been able to get out of the house! If I don’t manage it today, hopefully tomorrow!

The weather isn’t helping things either! For several weeks it has been dark, cold, and rainy here, there hasnt been any nice fall weather to enjoy!

The Apology I will Never Get

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I never thought or expected an apology from her but I did have hope that maybe she would apologize at some point. I had hope about many things in the beginning of this storm that has become my life.

If I had done the things she had I would have apologized in some form. If I couldn’t face her because of what I had done I would have hand  written a sincere apology letter trying to explain what happened and that I was truly sorry! I would probably even send it with a gift or flowers but that’s just how I roll, well honestly I do my best not to do dumb shit to have to apologize for but that’s just me!

So I have been working on letting go of the hope that she just might apologize one of these days because if she hasn’t by now she’s not going too. Because she hasn’t apologized it also makes me realize she’s  not sorry for what she has done and she did do it to hurt me, most people apologize when they hurt someone. Who knows it may not have helped me heal anyway like I seem to feel it would!

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Well she is a Virgo so there’s that!